A poem I came across, which I find it a good reminder at depressing moments..
Thank you, Mary Hastings, for sharing this..
When I Thought All Hope Was Gone
by Mary Hastings, 2001
There was a time when I thought that all hope was gone,
I had never felt so lost and all alone.
All of my world seemed to be caving in,
It seemed as if I did not have a friend.
Things seemed to get worse no matter how I tried,
There were so many days that all I did was cried.
My life had been overcome with grief and despair,
Whether I lived at all, I did no longer care.
Mountains of problems and I was too tired to climb,
Although I was searching, no answers I'd find.
Never had I felt so scared and confused,
I would lie around for hours wondering "What should I do?"
Every direction I turned, another disaster I'd face,
What was the use in going on at this kind of pace?
Depression sets in as more & more I'd shut down,
Till I found myself finally flat on the gound.
Life seemed hopeless, so why should I live?
Wha good was I anyway? I had nothig to give!
I started pusging away all my family & friends,
No longer had the desire to let them in,
I feel that all I could caus them was bad fortune & pain,
And I loved them too muchm I had to be insane.
I had convinced myself that they would be better off without me,
Without my burdens to bear, they could be free.
In my mind it made sense, althought my hearts says no,
But I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to let go.
Negative thoughts always filling up my mind,
Self-destruction ode on and to the truth I was blind.
So tired of the struggles day after day,
This couldn't be all, there had t be a better way.
Haunted by my past, unable to forget,
Although I tired to move on, I just could not quit.
I felt like a failure, unworthy to go on,
Things would be better if only I were gone.
Sadness in my eyes, no joy to be seen,
What was I doing so wrong? What did it all mean?
Once filled with life, with goals & dreams,
Faded to darkness, ripped apart at the seams.
Where was the person I wished I could be?
But I looked at tge mirror and still only see me.
Watching people around me who had it all together,
Though if I could be more like them, then I would be better.
Unable to accept me, filled with self-hate,
Thought I could never change me, It's already too late.
How could someone love me when I could not love myself?
Who even was I anyway? The person had left.
I had it all figured out. The way that it would be,
Thought I could even read minds and what people thought of me.
Deeper & deeper into my world I would sink,
Losing touch with reality, just the thoughts I would think.
Although crying out for help, I still did not believe,
I didn't see a way out, my eyes they were deceived.
I once had been saved and trusted in God,
But lost faith along the way, as into sins path I'd trod.
I turned to everything else, except the One who heals,
Looking for something to change the way I feel.
Medications made it worse, doctors got me more confused,
See what happens when I try and thought, so what's the use?
I couldn't see any alternatives, things just seemed to get worse,
I musave been living under some kind of bad curse.
No one else I knew seemed to have so much bad luck,
It just seemed as if my life was in misfortune stuck.
That's the way I saw it and others could tell,
So in sadness and hopelessness and slef-pity I'd dwell.
I tried and I tried, and the worse it all would get,
So I just stopped trying, just would give up & quit.
I had made so many mistakes, maybe that was my pay,
Live with the consequences day after day.
It just diden't seemed fair, I could not be content,
I would relive in my mind, all the wasted life I had spent.
I felt my resources were used up, no place to turn,
I guessed that would be another hard lesson to learn.
I did not understand why God would not hear,
I'd pray & I'd pray, but I could not find Him near.
Maybe He didn't rally save me all those years ago,
I began to question and doubt, I really need to know.
Once upon a time I had that joy and peace within,
I once thought of Jesus as my close and personal friend.
I knew He had changed me several years before,
But as times changed and I moved on, I wasn't so sure anymore.
Did I do so bad that he turned me away
Was that the reason He wouldn't answer when I'd pray?
Oh, little did I know that He was working there in me,
With circumstances and trials to help me to believe.
It wasn't that He'd given up on my life,
But was planting th seeds to make everything right.
It was I who had quit trusting and was giving up,
Rather than allowing the Lord to daily fill my cup.
Although faithful to worship, I'd put other things first,
I had turned to the world instead of the one who could quench my thrist.
It was not that I just no longer believed,
I just felt too unworthy of blessings received.
I fought situations rather than waiting on Him,
Felt I had to be the one to fix it and goout onthe limb.
When I could not change things, I thought I had failed,
Not seeing the future God beheld.
I did not understand how I could be a Christian and still depressed,
How could that be possible? My life was a mess!
God says love thy neighbour as thyself, but yself I did not love,
I was truly in need of ome help from above.
So more depressed I'd become as more useless I'd be,
As flat on my face I cried and I prayed,
Lord, please save me and see me through, I can't face another day.
As I hot rock bottom with no place to go,
I finally saw the light again, as I had never been so low.
I knw only God culd help me, Not I alone,
He could pick me up again, and help me to be strong.
But only if I'd trust Him and let Him have His way,
Would I find that peace and joy, that had gone away.
Without Him I was hopeless, but thogh Him the future bright,
Because He has the power, to make everything all right.
I know His way is perfect and He is in control,
And I should have no fear, if in His path I will go.
Each new day I face now, I see His work within,
And I love Him more and more as I look back where I've been.
I still have the troubles, and my share of pain,
But I know that I will never be without any hope again.
Now face the future, unsure of each new day,
Lord, be with me and see me through, is what I softly pray.
He has a lot of work to do, to make me what I need to be,
But thank God, nothing i impossible and He's still working on me.
I'm so glad He savend opened up my eyes,
If it weren't for His Amazing Grace, I would have surely died.
He forgave me of my past and cleansed me all anew,
And now I can live for him and do the work He'd have me do.
There are still the days I struggle,with depression and with fear.
But when I do, I call out to God, and He draws me near.
I am only human and mistakes I often make,
But God still loves & forgives me, and promies never to forsake.
Praise God for his mercy, and his ever saving grace,
For I should have died on the cross, but precious Jesus took my place.
Now when circumstances around me, seems difficult to bear,
I know I don't have to face it alone, my Jesus is right there.
Maybe the dreams I'd wished for, weren't according to His plan,
I guess He better for me as He leads me by the hand.
I guess the time frame I wanted, was mine and not through faith,
And sometimes to see just how wonderful God can be, we just have to wait.
I need not worry, or be fearfull anymore,
All I ned is just believe, He has marvelous things in store.
If I hurt somebody, through my past actions or my life,
I hope God can use me now, to somehow make things right.
I hope to be an example, of His goodness and His grace,
I want others to see Jesus in me, just by looking at my face.
This world is tough to live in, with demands on every side,
And if someone else has felt like I did, I they no longer hide.
God can change anyone, no matter what you've done,
And the work that He is doing in me, has only just begun.
He has led me to some people, who have really touched my heart,
He has always opened up the door, to help us to make a new start.
I thank God for the Christians, who have so faithfully prayed,
Without them and their Christian love, who knows where I'd be today.
God uses all kinds of people, no matter how great or small,
He has work for us all to do, if we just heed His call.
Words can't truly express, the joy I now have found,
Because I have my Savour and I am no longer bound.
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